When we were kids, a lot of us took social dancing lessons. We were enrolled in classes where we held our partner stiffly at arm’s length and box-stepped to the teacher’s voice saying ONE-two-three, ONE-two-three. We looked at the teacher, at our feet, at our parents standing against the walls — anywhere but at our partner. Like little cardboard kids in our Sunday best, we went through the motions, only vaguely aware of the music, doing something that was supposed to make us more graceful and socially adept. For many of us, it was agony.

Today, a lot of us seem to be going through the same agony with our business partners. We decide to become part of a team because, intellectually, it makes sense. But once we’ve made that decision, we seem to slip back into the cardboard cutout mode — unwilling to practice, unaware of who’s leading, and certainly not having any fun.

I always loved to dance. I took ballet lessons and, as I got older, became passionate about jazz dance and even belly-dancing. Then an interesting thing happened: I started to do ballroom dancing. Waltz, fox trot, cha cha, rumba, samba, hustle, east coast swing. I was so used to the freedom of dancing on my own that dancing with a partner was a shock. At first I figured, well, if I learn the steps I’ll be okay. I went through the motions, but my partner was holding a cardboard Patti. (Coach Patti is shown at right.)

Finally, I realized that this was something entirely different from what I knew. That I would have to set aside all of my ballet and jazz and belly-dancing muscle memory, that I would have to accept that I was a complete beginner, that I would be starting from zero — and all of that would be just fine. So there I was, "middle-aged" — whatever that is — learning for the first time in my life what it meant to work together as part of a team. As you probably know, since then, I’ve kept dancing, entered competitions, and won prizes.

It’s taught me a lot about partnerships and it’s made me better at all of my relationships. If you watch dancers — whether it’s “Dancing with the Stars” on TV or the Saturday night get-together at the local senior center, there’s a lot to be learned.

Here are a few ‘dance lessons’ for real estate teams and partners:

Get rid of the words “I can’t” and “I don’t know how.” “I can’t” is a lie. No matter what —and I don’t care here if you’re in a wheelchair or missing a limb — everybody can dance. “I don’t know how” is just a negative way of saying “I’m going to learn.” Nobody was born an expert; everybody has to learn somewhere, sometime.

A partner is more than a warm body with a heartbeat. Just because somebody works at the next desk, or you find them attractive, or they don’t already have a partner, doesn’t mean they’ll necessarily be the right partner for you. 

Partnership is a form of communication. Whether you’re dancing, selling real estate, or getting married, you need to talk to each other, explore the things that matter to each of you, establish boundaries, help solve problems, and support each other through your imperfections. Talk about your mission, purpose, and values. Talk about what makes you mad — and what makes you laugh.

Somebody has to be the leader. This may be the hardest lesson for all kinds of partners. We think we have to be absolutely equal: that if one person leads, the other person is somehow a failure. Not true. In dance, the man leads, and we say that the man is the "frame" and the woman is the "picture." He gives the dance structure and makes her look good. There cannot be two leaders; if there are two people leading, there’s no dance. “Just wanting to” is not enough of a qualification to be a leader. Leaders require knowledge, confidence, and very strong negotiation and communication skills. So do followers. There’s also a difference between Leading and Controlling. Controlling is not dance; it puppetry. Talk about these issues with your partner, with your team. 

Trust your partner. If you’re afraid that your partner will drop you, or won’t catch you, or will screw up in some other way, you go right back to cardboard — or worse, wood! If you don’t trust your partner, you need to communicate more, or find a new partner.

Trust yourself. You’ve worked hard to get where you are. You’re smart. You’ve established some ground rules for your partnership. You know whether you’re the leader or the follower, the frame or the picture. That doesn’t mean the heel won’t ever fall off your shoe or your dress won’t ever rip when you’re in front of an audience; it just means that, whatever happens, you’re going to be just fine. And you know what? Ninety-nine percent of the time, the audience has absolutely no idea that there was a problem!

Listen to the music. The music is the market. You may have a partnership routine that works beautifully in a seller’s market. But if you keep going through the same motions when the market changes, you and your partner are going to be out of step with what’s happening around you.

Be flexible and keep learning. Learn new skills, stretch yourself, try new approaches. It will keep you in shape, keep you alert, and add some excitement to your partnership. Playing outside your comfort zone makes everything in life easier.

Practice, practice, practice. Nobody ever won a dance contest sitting on the couch. You’ve got to get out on the dance floor with your partner and learn the steps, listen to the music, learn each other’s subtle signals, be willing to fall down and pick yourself up and keep going.

Smile and have fun. Whether you’re working with a single partner or as part of a large team, these lessons still apply. Keep your confidence, keep practicing, and who knows — you could be dancing off with the prizes, too!

(Patti Kouri, GRI, Accelerated Performance Coaching, is a Master Coach who works closely with executives, managers, and real estate sales professionals. She offers dynamic and innovative techniques to help people achieve their goals and specializes in breaking through limits. “I work with people with big visions for themselves who want to make a dream into reality or create more meaning in their lives.”)